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Friday, December 31, 2004

Drunk Tank = Bad

My co-worker Emperor Joe and I were outside smoking, and I contemplated where I was going to crash for the evening because my mission is to get sloppy drunk. Joe said, "You are spending the night in the drunk tank." I promptly exclaimed, "Hell fucking no. I have done that once and it's not happening again."

You are probably scratching heading wondering how in the heck a guy who calls himself the Drunken Master ends up in the drunk tank. My brother just started college this year and it was the first weekend after school started. I, some of his boys, and several ladies went out to a club. We spent sometime there I had a beer and a Jager Bomb, but the ladies wanted to go to this party they heard about. I look at my brother and told him, "Let's make the ladies happy."

We roll up to the party and the apartment is packed with people. Prospects looking good. Someone tells us that the beer is in the fridge. Sweet. Beer is consumed, converse with the ladies, and teach my brother how to play Beer Pong. More people show up and the outside parking lot is packed. I'm thinking this can't last much longer but I'm buzzed. I didn't care. I wander outside and low-and-behold I meet some of my fraternity brothers from Eastern's chapter. Good group of guys. One kid had two beers stacked one on top of each other and started drinking. Spilled beer all down his shirt. He had both beers open. Crazy. I tried to introduce my brother to these guys, but he kept wandering off. He was pretty shit-faced at the time.

As the inevitable happens, the cops showed up. I had stopped drinking awhile back because I figured I had to be the good big brother and drive everyone home. The cops are breaking up the party. I'm desperately trying to find my brother to get him out of there with a beer in my hand. key point. Like I said he's REAL drunk. The cops stopped me and asked me what I was doing. I told them that I was trying to find my brother. They asked me to pour out the beer. I asked, "Why?" Then the "pigs" proceeded to knock the beer out of my hand, cuff me, and take me to the cruiser. SHIT!!

The officer takes to me what the residents of Richmond, KY call the Madison Radisson. Supposedly it's a nice jail with TVs and square meals. I proceed through booking. They take my belt, keys, wallet, and cell phone. They give me back my cigarettes. I look at them and ask, "Can I get something to light these with?" They give me a box of matches. They then put me in a 8x10 concrete room with a toilet/sink and 9 other guys. I sit down and proceed to light up. Three guys at once ask for a cigarette. I'm thinking, "Sure buddy just leave my asshole alone." The night proceeds with some fairly jovial conversation considering we are in a drunk tank. I finally get a mattress that I can lie down on and try to get some sleep. It was like 1AM when I went in. I won't bore you with the rest of the details; I spent 10.5 hours in that place, even got breakfast. And to top it all off I was SOBER going into the tank.

See people, the Drunk Master even does stupid shit when he is sober. Everyone have a safe New Year's and remember the Drunk Tank is a bad thing.